Tolerance and Preferences: There Is No Right or Wrong, and All Roads Lead to Rome

Think of a few scenarios.

Suppose you just posted something on social media, or spoke up boldly at a meeting. You might hear someone say: “Keep a low profile; don’t show off. It’ll draw criticism. Truly accomplished people are humble.” If that person happens to be a very successful elder, those around you might add, “See, you should listen to successful people—that’s the right way.” Of course, you might also hear the opposite: “In this era, you have to showcase and even flaunt yourself. Don’t worry about what others think, and don’t be too modest, or no one will care who you are and you’ll be overlooked.” Especially if you’re in the U.S. or abroad, opportunities are seized, not handed out; if you don’t dare to put yourself forward, you’ll be ignored and marginalized.

Imagine you’re back in middle school. Someone might tell you: “Your things and surroundings are too messy; your books are not tidy or organized, your notes are too sloppy, your handwriting is too careless—it will affect your grades.” Or you might hear: “Keep the big picture in mind and don’t get bogged down in details. Whether your books are organized, your notes neat, or your handwriting tidy is secondary. Focus your energy on substance instead of spreading yourself thin; the former has little to do with grades.”

Suppose you’re a night owl. Someone may say: “You should go to bed early and get up early; the morning is the key to the day, and everything is hard at the start. A good morning makes the whole day go smoothly.” Someone else may say: “As long as you get enough sleep, it’s fine. The night is quiet for work; many knowledge workers think and work at night. Lu Xun was also a night owl, thinking and writing late into the night.”

The golden mean is the golden mean, but preference is preference. In each of these scenarios, there is your own honest preference and actual behavior. I don’t think any of these choices are right or wrong. Whether a person can achieve what they want probably has no decisive relationship with these preference choices. Different preferences are simply expressions of different values. Different values can all lead a person to success; all roads lead to Rome.

From my own values, I think truly great people are probably tolerant. They can appreciate people with all kinds of preferences: they might admire someone modest and reserved, or someone bold and outgoing; they might admire someone meticulous and orderly, or someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff and focuses on efficiency; they might admire someone who rises early on a regular schedule, or a night owl working hard late at night. They understand how to respect others’ preferences and habits, and appreciate the special qualities those preferences bring, rather than lecturing others from their own values to change preferences that are neither right nor wrong. They understand that these preference choices are not decisive factors in success. All roads lead to Rome; the traits behind every preference are a person’s precious foundation and strength. As long as they are used well, they are good things.